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Lying to Tell the Truth: A #LetsBlogOff Reverie
Jim was racing around with only a week to prepare for his final trip to Costa Rica because he was determined to cram three week’s worth of activities into the seven days he had in town. His meetings with his cronies segued to long lunches at the Mountain City Club; and his determination to taste the best of summer filled our evening and weekend calendar with barbecues, al fresco cocktail parties and boating on Lake Chickamauga.
He would spend a week in Central America before I joined him with six volunteers, and I was up early the morning I took him to the airport, watching as his sunburned head—all that was left of the leisure time he had known—bobbed in and out of view as he heaved the heavy LL Bean duffle bags out the door. I stood at the window admiring the bluff trees, which I knew would envelope me in coolness once I was back from dropping him off because I was determined to park myself on the screened porch for as much of my week of freedom as was possible. I settled myself there the minute I returned, sitting quietly for a few seconds in order to attune myself to the waterfall smattering against the gully of rocks into which it spilled. It seemed that the staccato notes mimicked my lack of output at the typewriter—the tap, tap, tap echoing the stilted rhythm of my creativity gone bone dry, the keys sticking in mid-strike so that the words came out of me in a halting trickle.
I was waiting for an imaginative storm to blow through and leave the ideas cascading from my brain in a torrent but that had not happened in far too long. This made me fear the long summer months ahead, knowing the heat would diminish the waterfall’s voice to a dribble. Would mine be sentenced to the same fate? I wondered. What would it take to get my writing back on track? It was then I realized the sound of that splattering was identical to the noise that falling water made as it splashed into a deep, boxy concrete sink. I closed my eyes and let the sensory memories wash over me as they brought Costa Rica, where I would soon return for the last time, flooding over my senses.
I was still trying to process what I had experienced in South Dakota—a time of controversy, conflicts and extremes. During the convocation, I had felt the need to hang back and remain aloof. I had never met such shy, closed people and I felt there was prejudice against me, though I hardly blamed them because I was just another wasichu. I could only imagine how much deep-seated mistrust had built up in them and I felt sad that there was no unity among tribes because it kept them from moving forward in a way that might have enabled them to assuage some of the despair I had witnessed.
I moved through the days of Jim’s absence with this fretfulness jangling around in me even during the delicious mornings I spent soaking in the beautiful mountain backdrop. The surroundings calmed me as always, but I found that I was so weary it was all I could do to put two sentences together. I kept at it, making false starts as my annoyance at the sound of the heavy equipment cutting the road far below, which sounded downright evil juxtaposed against the soft spraying of the waterfall, edged out the faint momentum that offered itself to me. This must have been the same sound the people who lived near the strip mining operations heard when the ruination of certain parts of the Appalachian Mountains came to pass, I thought. Oh, why do I care? I am a peace here, and I wish I could sit like this for the rest of my days!
I had seen the play “Steel Magnolias” with friends and found myself wishing I could capture the eccentricities of the southern character as brilliantly as Robert Harling had. The only other time I had been as enamored with the authentic rendering of the eccentric southern personality was when I had seen Beth Henley’s “Crimes of the Heart.” Would I ever get my act together so that I could leave something as forceful to the world?
The Fourth of July dawned and the weather was a deluge. I realized that most people must have been angered by the weather but I was reveling in the fact that I had peace, quiet and every excuse to hole up. The tropical-like downpours had created a snarling waterfall that ravaged slick rocks lit by a queer fog-filtered light—to the point that they glowed, alien-like. Within that odd radiance, hammered silver contrasted shiny green leaves so brilliant they appeared to be made of patent leather.
I’d been reading an article in Harper’s titled “In Deepest Gringolandia.” In it Bob Shacochis declared Mexico was being used as a third-world tourist theme park by North Americans. He wrote, “North Americans, boarding their planes, take North America with them—in varying degrees, yes, ugly or beautiful, but North America nevertheless.” I thought about how uncomfortable some of the places we’d stayed in Costa Rica had been and how I had succumbed to this myself. Being overwhelmed by roaches had certainly thrown me, and living at the mercy of the elements had challenged me to no end. If I was a snob by admitting that being in a clean environment soothed me enormously, then I was guilty as charged.
Since my writing voice was firmly on strike, I found myself reading voraciously while Jim was away—making my way through a stack of books and magazines I had been intending to read for months. I’d thought that focusing on fiction would help me to escape the lack of momentum in my own writing so novels held high priority, but the tactic was having little effect. I awoke on the fourth morning of my solitude, my knee bumping the books tossed haphazardly onto the opposite side of the bed, and looked out into the dull sky. Where the clouds hung thicker, there were puffy lines of deepest gray—a scowl to interrupt the endless monotony of graphite. I felt restless and edgy so I laced up my running shoes to take advantage of the misty umbrella nature had sent before the sun burned it off and brought on the sizzling heat.
It felt good to let the warm moisture move through my hair as the sweat poured from my body. I felt my breath enter and leave my lungs, marveling that flesh and bone had the fortitude to endure when my emotional self felt so beaten down. As I made my way past the familiar vantage points I always saw on my runs, I wondered how my life would look in twenty years; thought about Picasso’s premise that the artist lies in order to reach another kind of truth. What lies could I tell in order to create a life with a truth I could tolerate? I wondered as I turned the corner toward home, accelerating my speed to match they pace of my disconcerting thoughts.
This is a participating post in a bi-monthly exercise known as Let's Blog Off. I don't know what it is about the choices LBO leaders make for topics, but somehow my ramble through the past 20 years seems to always be on point. The material for this post and the photo of me on Lake Chickamauga were created, oddly enough, 20 years ago almost to the day. I can't wait to see how much headway I make as a writer in the next 20 years! To see posts by the other #LetsBlogOff participants du jour, click here.
If you are new to my blog and you'd like to start at the beginning, here's the link to the first post. Reading the "Start Here" sidebar on the homepage gives you the earliest information. Thanks for stopping in!
Tortured Water
Once we crossed to the western rim of the river, the land grew a bit wilder, feeling more isolated and lonelier, especially on the Cheyenne River Reservation where the Convocation was underway. I was trying to nail descriptions of what I had seen in my writers notebook when the hymns that had filled the breaks in the programming ended, leaving only the sound of distant chainsaws to rend the sudden silence. They were being run by heavyset Native American men cutting and stripping the pine poles used for building the bowers, the new ones necessary to accommodate a swelling crowed. The rough-hewn constructs were fastened together with wire and topped with mesh over which dying limbs and branches were tossed to create dappled shade. The spots of light beneath them glinted on folding metal chairs and peppered crude benches made from planks of raw timber that had been nailed onto short sections of tree trunks.
A long line of presenters moved across the dais under the largest bower straddling the podium as the day’s agenda progressed. First up were the varied chapters of the Episcopal Church Women. Beulah Turgeon shared her details of the activity that had taken place on the Rosebud Reservation, noting that they felt a sense of accomplishment given the monies they’d raised from their series of lunches. Mrs. Runs With Enemy asked that grave markers be maintained more vigilantly in her parish because it was a sign of respect for the dead. The pleas of the women to follow were similar, each noting needs beyond their parish’s means. As the women wrapped their agenda, a group of men filtered in, separating into small clusters.
Mr. Little Soldier was the first to step up to the microphone. He asked, “Who is our God?” paused and stared keenly at the audience before adding, “Is he in favor of a separation of church and state?” Every so often he would break into the Sioux dialect, which made his sentences sing as his voice rose and fell, going soft on syllables like "ha" and "cha." English phrases emerged in the midst of the melodic language—“all this time” sandwiched between Woniya Wakan, or holy spirit, and niyelo, “it’s up to you.” He was a member of the camp advocating a vote to approve that both Lakota spiritual activities and Episcopal services be embraced by the Diocese. Some men offered murmurs of acceptance and others dissent, depending upon which side of the issue they supported. A critical argument had to do with whether traditional customs of the Episcopal services could be altered, namely the sips of wine during the Eucharist.
Not everyone wanted the custom to be changed, but the ones who did were adamant that using grape juice or non-alcoholic wine was of grave importance because it took only a tiny bit of alcohol to ignite a setback for the addicted. The sun illuminated the handmade quilts hung behind the podium as the debate wore on—the colorful stars and the war eagle so exquisitely crafted. Set in relief against the artful backdrop created by these beloved symbols, Reginald Bird Horse spoke of how the native religion was a comfort to those who still believed in the old ways. The parade of names of the ardent speakers as they presented their heartfelt positions on a string of issues quickly became a jumble.
Father Makes Good delivered his impassioned plea to preserve the Episcopal services as they had always known them. A lay reader from St. Elizabeth’s named Reginald Bird Horse remarked, “I’ve been to the hill. How long since we’ve been involved with alcoholism? And now it’s bingo. I have found myself by communicating with God; going to the hill to fast and pray.” He was advocating the use of the peace pipe and the drum in church services, and was one of the speakers to address the plight of those who had beat alcoholism only to be faced with the wine at the communion rail.
Nelson Young Hawk came forward and spoke of his tiyospaye, or extended family—his grandmothers and great grandfathers who had adopted the white man’s way by accepting their religion. He was certain that they should not change the services in any way; that these weekly rituals should remain exactly the same as they had been since the church first entered their lives. Simon Speaks approached the microphone and said in a flat, matter-of-fact tone, “We don’t come together to think about the almighty dollar from the U.S. treasury—the Indian got along without it for a long time until they took our gold mines and now we can’t get our own money—we should take our religion back, too.”
As clipped, grey clouds drifted through a Wedgwood blue sky, Father Bears Heart took the dais and the men nodded as his voice cascaded through the Sioux language, a dialect that such a small minority within our country’s borders would recognize. His friendly face disappeared as another—thinner and more haggard—took its place, and the back-and-forth continued into the afternoon. I thought of Black Elk’s statement: “They talked and talked for days, but it was just like wind blowing in the end.” As the last man exited the low stage, the sound of crickets and the clink of metal from a small group of men playing horseshoes were suddenly drowned out as the recorded hymns flared from the giant speakers, which had been heaved onto a tall wooden platform.
I learned that day how important the word tiospaye is to Native Americans, and I also came to see that I was intruding on a discussion that wasn’t mine to hear. With a heavy heart, I moved to a bower away from the activities of the church after hearing Bishop Anderson tell those who were asking him to make a decision as to how their church services would be shaped that it was their decision to make, not his. He said decisions had been made for them for far too long and it was in their best interest to talk amongst themselves and come to their own conclusions.
As I noted how sadness seemed to be leaking from each person speaking, I wondered about the jovial demeanor of the people milling around a large pot of buffalo stew—such a contrast to those speaking that day. It took several men to stir it as it bubbled furiously, the intense flames beneath the black vessel holding the soup dancing vibrantly against the pot’s rounded bottom. I stared at the ground a great deal as the hours passed, walking around as I tried to get my bearings. As I did, I saw how the fine, silt-like dirt beneath the grass, which was so dry it crunched with each footstep, eagerly took the imprint of the logos and patterns carved into the bottom of each pair of sneakers that had passed over its surface. I had read that the dirt in this part of the U.S. was the drift left by glaciers of long ago and I wondered whether our version of hieroglyphics would be the motifs on the bottoms of our shoes when the next Ice Age hit.
A priest from Colombia struck up a conversation with me as I sat off to myself scribbling my impressions of things. He told me that he was Lutheran and that he’d had a falling out with his church. He had married an American and found himself on the Pine Ridge Reservation ministering to the Ogalala Sioux. “The American Indian is rich compared to the poor in Latin America,” he remarked. “Their poverty is not in their world, it is in their minds.” His words reverberated as we drove the serpentine road to Mobridge, stopping there for coffee before heading back to Sioux Falls. We laughed as Randy thought to officially welcome us to the land of “tortured water”—the name they’d given their particular brand of joe in South Dakota.
As we flew back to Tennessee, my mind was exploding as I attempted to process everything that I had seen and heard. My confusion as to whether western religions had any relevance for Native Americans had been amplified, and I thought it fitting that one of the first Lakota words I learned was skinciya, or struggle. Stevie Smith once wrote that a mind stretched to a new idea never returns to its original dimensions. At that very moment, I was living, breathing proof that this was powerfully true.
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Utopian Attitudes
As we left the outskirts of Sioux Falls, our drive to the Yankton Reservation took us through an expanse of checkerboard farmland. It was deemed an open reservation due to the mix of Native Americans and white landowners within its boundaries, and this became clear as we pulled into Wagner, which looked as all-American as any other farming community in the Midwest. We met Father Field and his wife Mary, Rocky, Elmo, Edna, Peter and Annette that day—names of people we would come to know very well as we built a church they had been asking the Diocese to provide for them for many years.
Our second stop was Greenwood, which rests in the nipple extending below the rectangular state at its southeast corner, its meandering outline there defined by the Missouri River. The church we would be replacing with the one we would build was eerily quiet—its interiors musty from being closed up for quite some time because the community that once utilized it had moved to Wagner to be closer to the services a town provides. I’d never been as moved by “The Lord’s Prayer” as when I saw a large framed needlepoint of it, written in the Sioux language, hanging in the vestibule. It was as rag-tag as the little strip of land along the Missouri River we found ourselves walking along that day—the waterway nothing more than a stream indolently moving through a deep ravine the river had made before being dammed upstream. The quiet spot held a collection of abandoned churches and a few run-down houses, and I could feel the sweep of history, though not the bustling one that had long been silenced along the jagged banks.
After the lush vegetation of Greenwood, our next stop—Lower Brule, a closed reservation—felt barren and dry. We met Marilyn, Boots, Gloria and Mr. Small Jumper, all eager to greet us because they welcomed our help. Father James, who was younger than most of the priests we’d met in the mission field, had been assigned to the isolated reservation that held nothing but buttes and flats spanning for miles. When we left the Lower Brule, we traversed the Crow Creek Reservation, moving through undulant gold grasses as we listened to Randy explaining that the Dakota, Lakota and Nakota were all arms of the Sioux tribe, and that the first-letter change of their names designates their linguistic differences—certain words used by all the Sioux would begin with “D,” “L,” or “N,” depending upon which segment of the tribe the speaker had been born into.
As we headed farther north and west, we drove a rain-soaked road that rose and fell away, mimicking the undulant profile of the hills. The Missouri River tracked us, slithering out of sight through distant gorges and reappearing when the cliffs gave way to expansive meadows. We glided along the silvered ribbon winding through velvety green for several hours until we came to a field of flattened grass that was littered with beater cars, giant speakers, several pine bowers and an odd assortment of people, both Native American and white.
The four-day, out-of-doors Convocation was in full swing. Christian hymns blared from the speakers as we walked through the trampled prairie grass rousing grasshoppers with every step. I attempted to make eye contact with the Native Americans I passed, but my searching looks were met with stoic distance. I sat alone for most of the afternoon, watching puffy clouds glide effortlessly through an enormous sky as I wondered why my attempts to connect were being met with such resistance.
I realized there was so much to learn. I had always taken my ability to connect with other human beings for granted, and I had already been told once since we’d arrived that I was being very idealistic. What else is new? I thought, admitting that I could see this in most of my dealings, though I wouldn’t have been so quick to put a name on my emotional makeup. It was a bit like being categorized, then stamped with a number to be shelved in the “Idealist” section of the library. How did I come about these “utopian” attitudes? I wondered as I scribbled in the notebook in my lap, the smell of pine infusing the air.
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This is a participating post in #LetsBlogOff. The question du jour: “What do you take for granted?” I hope you enjoyed my realization about taking human connections for granted; to see the other posts answering this question, click here for the full roster.
Some Hint of Myself
We were a few days away from taking our first trip to South Dakota and I had no idea what to expect. We would be attending the Niobrara Convocation, a church convention for Sioux Episcopalians, in Promise, South Dakota. The Bishop had mentioned we’d see a bit of the wild wild west as we traversed the Great Plains—prairie dogs, buffalo, antelope and miles upon miles of barbed-wire fences. Though not as “exotic” to me as the animals he listed, I was battling some pretty sneaky Tennessee wildlife as I tried to protect my herb garden on the mountain, and it had me wondering whether the native animal kingdom on the Plains could be any more troublesome.
For three mornings in a row woodchucks had decided it was their duty to dig around in my newly planted pride and joy—a series of mounds of dirt skirted by carefully placed stones from between which plumes of perennials and knots of herbs sprouted. I had planned this perfect garden for months and it had taken me an entire week to physically create it so I was understandably feeling a bit territorial. I had pegged the perpetrators as our regular visitors, the raccoons, until I caught the groundhogs red-handed one night. Just before heading to bed I had heard a noise that sounded suspiciously like terra cotta scraping on wood. I flipped on the deck lights to see the critters pulling my bay tree out of the dirt, placing it carefully on the deck beside the pot they were plundering. I left them alone, knowing the plant would survive the night in the open, and just before drifting off to sleep, I wondered if I should put some dried ears of corn at the bottom of the steps for them the next evening—a peace offering of sorts. Then I quickly realized how silly the idea was, as they didn’t consider their behavior destructive; they were simply foraging for food.
Jim had built me a remarkable potting bench for planting herbs and flowers, and I’d found the perfect place for it in a nook facing the woods. I was making my way to it to repot my bay tree the next morning when I nearly stepped on a large snake sunning on the deck. I thought I was going to drop dead from fear before I could reach the door to the garage, high-stepping more successfully than any drum major I had admired when high school bands were still known for turning out such prancing leaders!
I shuddered all afternoon thinking about how close I had come to stepping on the slithering creature. When I described it to my neighbor’s gardener, he declared it to be a harmless chicken snake but I felt certain it had been of the deadliest sort. I raced down to the bookstore to buy a guidebook so I’d be able to identify snakes from then on. Needless to say, I never nonchalantly walked around any corner on the deck from that day on, and when I would see an elongated reptile sunning on one of the large, flat rocks on the bluff below, I’d pull out my handy book and see if I could tell its type. It was a ridiculous effort, of course, because you had to get pretty close to a snake to make out its details and I certainly wasn’t signing on for that task.
The next day, we took off for South Dakota before the light had come up on the city and I felt inexplicably nervous on the flight to Sioux Falls as I fingered a newspaper clipping with my grainy visage stamped into it—an advertisement I’d used to mark my spot in Black Elk Speaks. I’d agreed to model for this ad at the request of several friends who owned First Impression, a clothing store they’d just opened. I scanned the image for some hint of myself—some sign that it was really me—and I found nothing that told me I was present when the photograph was taken! In fact, it had been an embarrassing endeavor as I tried to figure out how to pose because I’d never done so. Afterwards, I realized I should have practiced before I went to the shoot but that wouldn’t have occurred to me either. The photographer was completely green so he didn’t have a clue as to how to help me, and I had left feeling self-conscious. That’s what I thought about when I saw my wide smile, the discomfort causing me to jam the flimsy piece of paper into the back of the book as I vowed never to do something as out-of-character again.
I had made it about three-quarters of the way through the story of Black Elk’s story and was gaining a Native American’s view of how their lives were changed by the whites they encountered in the days preceding, during and following the “Indian Wars.” Black Elk, who lived in a log house on the Pine Ridge Reservation between Wounded Knee and Grass Creek when he was relating the story to John Neihardt, said,“…the Wasichus have put us in these square boxes. Our power is gone and we are dying, for the power is not with us any more. You can look at our boys and see how it is with us. When we were living by the power of the circle in the way we should, boys were men at twelve or thirteen years of age. But now it takes them very much longer to mature…Well, it is as it is. We are prisoners of war while we are waiting here…”
Until reading the book, I’d never heard the word wasichu, which means “white person” in Lakota. It was bizarre to be perceived as different because I’d never been put in a situation of minority before. I suppose something told me I was heading into tricky territory given the anxiety I felt as I finished the book, which I closed as we were beginning the final approach into Sioux Falls. I found myself swallowing tears as the medicine man’s words lamenting the moment when Native Americans were relegated to reservations echoed in my mind.
“And so it was all over…I did not know then how much was ended. When I look back now from this high hill of my old age, I can still see the butchered women and children lying heaped and scattered all along the crooked gulch as plain as when I saw them with eyes still young. And I can see that something else died there in the bloody mud, and was buried in the blizzard. A people’s dream died there. It was a beautiful dream…”
Black Elk’s story had been lived one hundred years before my arrival in South Dakota, and it made me sad that there had been even further decline for the freedom-loving people. “O make my people live!” Black Elk had wailed. It occurred to me that I would likely look back on Costa Rica as a piece of cake compared to the emotional territory I found myself entering in South Dakota. The thought was sobering as I stepped out of the plane and walked down the steps into the heat of the Great Plains.
If you are new to my blog and you'd like to start at the beginning, here's the link to the first post. Reading the "Start Here" sidebar on the homepage gives you the earliest information. Thanks for stopping in!
To read the clever posts of the rest of the #LetsBlogOff gang, click here and enjoy the ride!
The Embodiment of Applause
As the weather raged, I journaled about a trip we’d taken to Camp Ocoee the week before. I had stayed in the car while Jim gassed up at Cherokee Corners, studying how the late-day sun had its way with the grassy fields; how it made the Queen Anne’s Lace at the road’s edge glow. I wanted to try to record that particular quality of light as the cloud towers built in the distance, raising their boiling heads toward heaven. While I studied the pebbled whiteness of the spindly plants, something called in the distance—a goose or a dog with an odd bark, maybe, or a man gone crazy with grief. Only the deepest pain would have made a human run out into the afternoon and scream at nature like a howling animal, I thought, realizing as this popped into my head that my imagination was growing overactive in my pursuit of material. As soon as the admonishment sprung to mind, it occurred to me that to make a judgment like that was ridiculous because using the imagination was the purpose of being creative, especially for a writer!
I was thinking about this as I drove along the beach road the next morning—protected from the suffocating humidity by the whirr of the air conditioner. The waves of heat radiating from the hood and the memory of Queen Anne’s Lace brought to mind another time when scorching temperatures and these leggy plants were fused in the experiential. A field of the “weeds,” as the United States Department of Agriculture classified them, had stretched out for about a quarter of a mile behind our house when I was a girl. I sometimes walked up to its edge and marveled that something considered a blight could produce such graceful Victorian-esque blooms.
I watched one day as they bowed their heads, wilting in the mid-day light right before my eyes. I understood—the air felt like a furnace as I turned away to trudge toward the library with my little sister in tow. When we reached the spot where the Hosely’s creek gurgled beneath the road, we looked longingly into the rushing water but knew we’d be in major trouble if we ruined our clothes so we kept moving, slogging on toward the elementary school to see what books were on the shelves. The antiquated air conditioning in the library provided little relief as we searched the rows of fiction for books to take home, and it wasn’t until we’d returned to the dark coolness of our house with all the shades drawn that we’d felt the relief of being chilled to the bone by air conditioning that actually made a difference. I recalled how the covers of the books we’d carried home were soaked with our perspiration as we tossed them onto the kitchen table. I liked this memory because it was one of my first recollections as to how much books had meant in my life. The sacrifice of making my way through stifling heat to find new inspiration had been well worth the effort.
On that hot Florida morning, I sat in the car lost in thoughts of that far-away time for only a few minutes after the air conditioning had quieted, the memories falling away as I realized I was suffocating. I roused myself from my reverie and hurried out of the car in order to begin closing the condo, as we would be relinquishing the oceanic air for that special brand of Chattanooga humidity. We were returning home that afternoon to prepare for our first trip to South Dakota, and I dreaded it, a fact that made me feel guilty and sad.
Once home, Chattanooga was living up to my memories and there was only one outdoor spot that afforded a dependable escape from the heat: the screened porch. I spent most of my mornings there and had decided it was the perfect place to entertain. We had invited our next-door neighbors for dinner, and they remarked that we’d found a great spot on the bluff as we settled into the comfortable furniture. As the breezes flowed up the mountain, the talk turned to our work in Costa Rica and South Dakota as it always did with people in our lives. Jim mentioned a mutual friend, a dentist, who had just returned from Haiti with a strain of incurable malaria. The conversation lulled for a few moments as Walter, a doctor, closed his eyes. When he opened them, he said, “I don’t think I can imagine doing that. I could not put myself in such a situation as I’d have to choose between myself and myself.”
The astuteness and raw honesty of his comment ricocheted through my brain. I spent a great deal of time thinking about this as the days rolled along, dawning murky most mornings as the sun sparred with fog to gain a foothold in our patch of sky. The dampness of those precious mornings made me hug my cup of coffee close to my chest as I stood at the edge of the screened porch watching the mist play with the leaves on the trees. They flapped like the rotor blades on helicopters, the constant movement reminding me of how applause would look if the sound were made physical. What would the leaves be applauding? I wondered. Certainly not the choices I’d made…
If you are new to my blog and you'd like to start at the beginning, here's the link to the first post. Reading the "Start Here" sidebar on the homepage gives you the earliest information. If you are a regular reader, I’d like to take a moment to thank you wholeheartedly for supporting this effort that means so much to me. After next week, I will be posting every other week on either Tuesday or Wednesday rather than every week. I hope you will still stop in and continued to follow me along The Road to Promise!
Ineffectual Torture
He was ever on the lookout for ways to assuage his loss from letting go of the lion’s share of his power in the business he had worked his entire adult life to build and I cringed when he announced that he wanted to be behind the controls of the plane more often as we traveled the southeast U.S. He renewed his pilot’s license and decided the perfect time to get back in the cockpit was a trip to the beach. I dared not say aloud that the prospect made me want to faint, because he would have seen it as weakness on my part. He banked the plane hard to steer us on course as we left Chattanooga’s airspace and we found ourselves butting heads with a cold front that had screamed through town during the early morning hours. I trusted him in most things, of course, but my veins were coursing with fear as he flipped buttons and pulled knobs, the dropping and rising motion that happened almost simultaneously making me feel oddly giddy and absolutely terrified.
We skirted the weather system until we’d cleared south Alabama, and it looked as though God had been doing some deep spring-cleaning, using foamy carpet cleaner on the sky as far as the eye could see. I was running metaphors through my mind to take the focus off my queasy stomach, which Jim—seeing the panic on my face—assured me was unwarranted nerves. I calmed myself by deciding then and there that I had nothing to lose but my life, and if it came to that it was likely to happen fairly quickly so prolonging the torture by imagining what would come to pass if we were pitched onto the land, broken and burning, was an exercise in stupidity.
We made it to Panama City just fine, and the ocean, as it always had, lulled me into peace. I agreed wholeheartedly with the notion that the sound and the motion was womblike. A gull careened overhead as I lounged on the deck, looking as if it had absolutely no control from its internal cockpit. Trust is a funny thing for a bird in brisk winds! I thought as I sat there wondering how many of them actually crashed—to think that none of them ever did was silly, wasn’t it?
A massive fire was burning miles away down the beach and the winds were turning it into a Hades-sized blowtorch. The smoke was being carried away by the upper-level winds, creating a shelf atop the billowing plume that intercepted the sun during the early afternoon, masking its power. By early evening, the smoke stretched far out to sea as we sat at the water’s edge, our chairs sinking into the sand with each wave that lapped beneath us. I admired the metallic sheen of the ocean, which was mirror-like until a rolling crest foamed and tumbled ashore, washing its own image out to sea.
During my morning journaling sessions, I was working on descriptions of experiences I’d had in Costa Rica. I was trying to describe a scene I saw in Limon in which a harelip and an elderly man sat on a dark porch talking. There were no chairs under their behinds—just bare concrete, the hardness of which did little to dampen their merriment. It was as if they had no clue their accommodations were spare; the old man must have been particularly witty because he continually drew laughter from the gaping mouth of the other man. I wanted to study his deformity but I didn’t dare stare at him because it would have been beyond rude. I made do with a few furtive glances, marveling at the fact that he could so unselfconsciously express glee. I wanted to capture the animated beauty of his face, which completely negated the imperfection of his crimped lip. There was something about his dignity that felt almost holy to me.
Early on in our Limon days, I’d met the sweetest man named Mr. Green at St. Mark’s. I thought about how there were so many people I’d come to know only by their last names, as decorum didn’t permit being on a first-name basis for quite some time. He had tutored me on my diet as we sat in the parish hall in Limon at a dinner held by the local Episcopal Church Women during our last trip to Limon. “It is best to eat only hard foods,” he said, just about the time I took the first bite of my sandwich, “they cause less wind in the belly.” I thanked him and told him I would definitely remember that as he pushed his chair back, already canvassing the long row of tables to see who was nearby.
I watched as he visited with most of the other people in the room, flirting ever-so-slightly with the women who would giggle like they were teenagers when he’d tell a joke or inquire after their well being. The sun was filtering through the window as he leaned over the table to chat with another man I’d seen at church functions, though we’d never been introduced. The light striking his dark skin created a silvery gray glow on the backs of his hands, which looked as tough as tanned leather.
On our way back to San Jose the next day, I had studied the landscape to see if I could push myself to better descriptions than I had been recording. It was the time of year when certain giant trees were blooming orange, their lost petals creating a smattering of confetti on the ground. Some fields that would normally have been a lush grassy green were speckled with resplendent orange light, the sun infusing the fallen blossoms with effervescing color as they lived their last decaying hours so exuberantly. What a paradox of life and death irrevocably intertwined! I thought.fields as And how lucky were the cattle grazing in those fields as they nibbled beauty! Many of the stocky animals had guardian angels on their backs—regal white birds holding vigil to nab the errant insects attempting to light on their burly mobile kitchens.
As we drew closer to the mountains, I noticed a number of trees carrying dense vines on their beefy outstretched arms, which made them appear as if they were draped in cloaks of velvety green. They towered over the other trees as if holding court—telling their charges how to behave with their grand, sweeping gestures that were dripping with finery. One particularly statuesque tree wore vines across its very top in an umbrella shape. It was almost as if it had been crowned the king of the copse it found itself gazing down upon. It brought to mind how the strongest, tallest specimen in any given situation could quickly turn into the most vulnerable when mighty winds blew through.
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And with thy spirit...
“Holy god, holy and mighty, holy immortal one, have mercy upon us.”
The U.S. has just sent light infantry troops into Honduras.
“Holy god, holy and mighty, holy immortal one, have mercy upon us.”
It seems the Sandinistas crossed the border and fighting broke out between these rebels and the Contras, whose camps are scattered along the border inside Honduras.
“Pray for peace. Pray for the safety of the young service men traveling to Honduras.”
[Jesus takes up his cross.]
“Holy god, holy and mighty, holy immortal one, have mercy upon us.”
Noreaga has yet to resign and there’s no chance for peace in Panama as long as he’s in control. More unrest today as doctors and nurses at the major hospital in Panama City threw rocks at soldiers because they will not be paid this week.
“Holy god, holy and mighty, holy immortal one, have mercy upon us.”
It appears that the President of Honduras has asked President Reagan for a show of muscle. Troops will be based 125 miles from the fighting. No democratic government in the world will be refused military aid against communist aggression.
[Jesus is striped of his garments.]
“Holy god, holy and mighty, holy immortal one, have mercy upon us.”
The skirmishes increased on the border between Honduras and Nicaragua. Men on Nightline argued; called each other liars. Who’s right, Ted?
[Jesus is nailed to the cross.]
Government policy. Amen.
“Holy god, holy and mighty, holy immortal one, have mercy upon us.”
Father says, “I’m a chaplain in the armed forces; we’ll definitely be in Panama soon. They’re killing our country with drugs. I bet we’ll also have to get to Mexico before the drug traffic stops.”
[Jesus dies on the cross.]
“Holy god, holy and mighty, holy immortal one, have mercy upon us.”
Father says, “I don’t usually have a homily before the service but I’d like to introduce our program for later. Fifteen years ago, I took my first mission trip abroad…a child died in my arms. He had worms and if you know nothing about worms, they take over the body to the point that they crowd into the esophagus and the child chokes to death.”
[The body of Jesus is placed in the arms of his mother.]
“Holy god, holy and mighty, holy immortal one, have mercy upon us.”
Manuel Noreaga squints from the television and asks, “You want a revolution?”
“Save us and keep us, we humbly beseech you, O Lord.”
“The peace of the Lord be always with you.”
“And with thy spirit.”
If you are new to my blog and you'd like to start at the beginning, here's the link to the first post. Reading the "Start Here" sidebar on the homepage gives you the earliest information. Thanks for stopping in!
[The image at the top of this post is one of the Stations of the Cross created by the incredibly talented artist and architect Alberto Alfonso, who is one of four architects featured in my book Four Florida Moderns, which W.W. Norton & Company published last year.]
If Language Were Liquid
I stood at the window of the house, which was nestled into a copse of fir trees, admiring the statuesque conifers that framed the bowl of the valley like a spiky matte. Their heads shot skyward like shuttlecocks that had blasted off and were then frozen in motion. I’d seen the valley during the summer when it was covered with wild grasses and flowers. Now, it was a vessel filled with sugary powder. The incredible thing about the composition framed by the picture window was that it couldn’t have been plotted better if a master painter had composed the scene: the trees directed the eye beyond the valley to the massive peaks that towered in the distance. The stubble of trees and fingering slopes filled in the composition when the clouds moved away, leaving behind them a downy comforter of shaved ice.
One evening we didn’t leave the slopes until the sun was sinking low in the sky. The light dallied with the clouds and dappled the mountain in patches of ripe rosiness interspersed with matte-finished smudges of shadow in palest gray. At certain points along the lift-lines, the aspen trees—their gnarled and writhing fingers gathering ice—gave the appearance they were fiddling with Victorian lace. The conifers on the highest slopes seemed to gather powder to their chests, forming great paws that seemed to want to bat the frosty air. I was always happy when storms left their backwash on the slopes so I was teased for being the group’s powder hound. As I swished through the fluffy granules, I felt as though I were shooting through a crystalline forest. It wouldn’t have surprised me if I’d seen Snow White guiding a prancing unicorn along one of the trails, the puffs of air escaping its delicate muzzle forming plumes of steam that drifted above its conical horn.
After several runs in deep powder, I was feeling the strain in my legs and my lungs, which weren’t accustomed to the high altitude, so I took a break from the exertion of skiing, popping Suzanne Vega’s cassette Solitude Standing into my Walkman. As I listened to "In the Eye," an idea for a short story started to form, inspired by her lyrics:
“If you were to kill me now
Right here I would still
Look you in the eye
And I would burn myself
Into your memory
As long as you were still alive
I would not run
I would not turn
I would not hi-i-ide…
I would live inside of you
I’d make you wear me
Like a scar
And I would burn myself
into your memory
And run through everything you are…”
The story had as its protagonist a woman named Karrman, who opened her tale with the declaration, “My mother’s maiden name was Karr and she couldn’t bear to give it up but she wasn’t strong enough to keep it herself. I guess that means I’ll be her identity until I die.”
Her newfound love interest, named Martin, asks, “You mean until she dies?”
“No,” Karrman corrects him; “that kind of brainwashing doesn’t die with her, it can only die with me—that is unless I have kids and then it’s a guaranteed right of succession.”
She let out a brash cackle and he knew then and there that if she laughed that way too many times, he’d have to kill her. She did, of course; it was simply who she was, and he snapped one evening—her crassness sending him over the edge. Lost in a blood-pulsing fog, he bludgeoned Karrman to death as Vega’s “Night Vision” wafted into the room from the speakers flanking the record player in her apartment:
When the darkness takes you
With her hand across your face
Don’t give in too quickly
Find the thing she’s erased…
He taped her legs at the ankles as he salivated over the idea of burying her in a snowy field. He decided he couldn’t let her go without a souvenir so he cut a piece of the tape that he’d plastered over her mouth—a symbolic gesture that he had shut her up for all eternity—and placed the scrap in his pocket. He looked out the window of her apartment toward the high-rise next door, the lights from which were casting strong shadows into the dim interiors. No one was watching so he took his time savoring his deed, turning up the volume as "Solitude Standing" pulsed out into the room, while sipping slowly on the glass of wine Karrman had poured him. He rocked back and forth to Vega’s soulful guitar chords and tentatively beautiful voice:
Solitude stands in the doorway
And I’m struck once again by her black silhouette
By her long cool stare and her silence
I suddenly remember each time we’ve met
And she says “I’ve come to set a twisted thing straight.”
And she says “I’ve come to lighten this dark heart.”
And she takes my wrist; I feel her imprint of fear
And I say, “I’ve never thought of finding you here…”
As the word trailed off, he raised the glass, toasting himself, and unleashed a creepy laugh. THWACK! I was startled from my narrative by the sound of skis meeting the ground as a guy dropped his on the snow next to me and sat down to eat an apple. I hadn’t realized I’d been sitting on the bench long enough that my ski suit had nearly frozen to the slats of the wood bench. I took off a mitten to check my watch and it hit me that Jim was likely having a heart attack; I just hoped he hadn’t already called the ski patrol. What a mess that would be! As I pried myself from the frosty bench and jammed my boots into my skis to head down the mountain, I had a picture of him pacing in front of the dressing rooms down below. I flipped the volume higher on my Walkman and let Vega’s “Language” carry me along the power-laden trails:
If language were liquid
It would be rushing in
Instead here we are
In a silence more eloquent
Than any word could ever be…
I’d like to meet you
In a timeless, placeless place
Somewhere out of context
And beyond all consequences…
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God as a pussycat...
On the big day, seven friends gathered around me to celebrate, and the following weekend, Jim decided to take me and a few of our friends to New Orleans for the weekend to celebrate the fact that, at 50, he could finally say his wife was in her thirties, something I’d never realized was eating at him. It was nearly impossible not to have a good time in the hospitable town that held more eccentricities than I’d ever seen in any one place.
My first unconventional sighting was a guy in Jackson Square straddling a metal TV tray painted in a sad rendition of wood-grain. He was intensely involved in his project, which consisted of teasing music from a collection of varying sizes of drinking glasses, numbering about fifteen, which he’d filled with fluctuating amounts of water. With a ceremonial raising of his elbows, which he’d lifted up and out like an eagle spreading its vast wings, he paused, eyes closed. After a dramatic hesitation, he began—quickly folding his elbows into his body as he circled the rims of the glasses with fingers he’d wet with his saliva. He had an old oil jug he’d filled with water into which he’d stuck a baster. When one glass would be the slightest bit off key, he’d grab the bulbous tube and squirt a bit of water into it, testing it with his middle finger and thumb.
The earnest man’s hair was dark and curly—too black for the color to have been natural—and he wore a white shirt with rolled-up sleeves and black pants. One of the things that stood out for me was the fact that he wore very cheap shoes. My first reaction was why in the world would that have mattered; then I realized it was an open window into how his life might have been. My imagination conjured up a dreary apartment with smoke-stained walls in the kitchen—the curtains reeking of the rancid smell of bacon grease—or, better yet, a doublewide trailer with Naugahyde cushions on the built-in sofa and frayed indoor/outdoor carpeting in the hallway, too narrow to allow two people to pass each other.
As we were walking back to the hotel the first night after dinner, someone in our group gasped. I turned and looked down the street to the church at the end of the plaza. There was a statue of Jesus with his arms outstretched as if he were preaching to everyone gathered around him, wanting to encompass all of mankind. The incredible thing was that the lighting at the base of the statue threw a dark shadow in relief on the white building behind it, covering a good portion of the front of the façade with the darkened visage of the statue’s form.
I was reminded of a sermon I’d heard in Costa Rica in which the priest talked about how everyone had begun to see God as a pussycat—that we believed we could play with him as it suited us and we’d forgotten that to “fear” him is to take him seriously. I’d passed the statue several times during the day, noticing the sweet expression of Jesus’ face carved in white stone, his outstretched arms opened lovingly. That the same statue appeared so sinister at night was the perfect example of the dichotomy of religiosity: pussycat in times of piousness, vengeful master in times of blameworthy behavior. It struck me that I believed in neither. Why did religion always have to usurp our own natural instincts toward what is right and wrong in life? I wondered. If we were, as church leaders read from their holy book, made in the likeness of God, we certainly should have the skills to know how to live our lives authentically and with grace!
I spent the next morning on the banks of the Mississippi River because my view from the hotel room had made me curious about the scale of things. I’d been happily watching ships pass while I journaled in a comfy chair by the window, thinking they were impressively massive but wondered if they would loom even larger at eye level. I took a seat on a stone bench close to the water’s edge and was awed as a tugboat sidled up to a gigantic ship and escorted it into port. The hulking steel microcosms of life going into port sat relatively low in the water, while those exiting with their goods unloaded revealed bellies that normally skimmed along below the surface. I wondered what stories the residents of these floating cities would tell and what languages they would speak when they told them. Each one flew a different flag, its hull emblazoned with a place-name representing some exotic port of call. It was as if the world passed through this swath of water daily, a world I could scarcely imagine.
When I’d had my fill of the mighty Mississippi, I wandered around until I happened upon a remarkable bookstore with shelf upon shelf of out-of-print books. As I was pulling titles I’d only read about from the poetry section, a couple entered the shop. They were both in their late 50’s, I guessed, and the husband followed the wife around as she cocked her head to look high and low at the different sections she saw. The minute she would reach for a book, he would say, “You already have that one.” She would shoot back, “No, I don’t.” I had to bust myself suddenly because I’d caught myself smack in the middle of a double standard. You see, it shocked me that this man had an inkling as to what books his wife owned, though it would not have surprised me if it had been the other way around. Possibly because I knew which books Jim had bought since we’d been together but was certain he didn’t have a clue as to the titles that were on my shelves.
On our way home, we bumped into a couple we knew in the Atlanta airport. The woman owned her own specialty shop and her husband supported her efforts wholeheartedly. She was always much more interested in conversing with Jim than she was with me, and the husband seemed to be at a complete loss as to how to relate to me, patting me on the hand whenever I answered the questions he lobbed my way. We’d had an easier time of it when I had identified myself as an entrepreneur in the outdoor billboard paper industry. Since I’d been associating myself with my writing, he seemed to wonder whatever in the world to say to me.
As I watched the bags drifting around the turnstile, seeing the different luggage tags with the variety of business cards tucked into them, I thought about how my new business didn’t yet have a card, or one I’d know what to put on it at any rate. What would be the reason to have a card printed that said, simply, writer; or, even more exotically, poet? I wondered. Would anyone have respected it? Would I have? I realized in that moment that I’d stopped caring what anyone thought. That was a first very big step for me. Maybe, I thought, I’d be a wholehearted rebel and not have a card at all. Wouldn’t that leave the man who liked to pat me like a puppy dog at a loss for words!
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The Dead Space
There was only the occasional moment when I’d miss the machinations of the business world, and one of them was touring a friend’s new offices. I drove away wondering if I’d sold out. I let my mind wander back through the successes I’d had—being named Chattanooga’s Young Careerist of the Year at 26 years old after having started my own company the year before, then managing to land the First Runner-up position in the state Young Career Woman of the Year competition a few months later. Truth be known, running a business didn’t interest me all that much because I preferred staying steeped in creativity but the stroking my ego received from the attention I had garnered for my accomplishments brought about a poignant nostalgia. Might I have kept at it? I questioned, feeling as if half of my identity had been slowly vanishing while I wasn’t paying attention.
The thoughts of missed opportunities were too painful to hold so I let my mind drift over the social whirlwind our week at home had been. We had gathered with our Steamboat ski buddies for dinner at the home of one of the couples to plan our annual weeklong trip of frivolity and indulgences. Their life came with a wholesome surprise: they were truly the most Rockwellian family I’d ever met. I was left asking, Are these the same people we party with when we are in ski country? The two children—boy oldest and girl youngest, of course—did their homework while Mom and Dad cooked dinner, then Mom graded the homework, had them make corrections and sent them off to do their piano lessons while we adults ate.
The boy was slightly chubby and had pale eyes the color of the icy-blue Jordon Almonds I loved to find amongst the pastel pinks and greens in the boxes filled with the oblong candies at movie theaters. He had a jolly, open demeanor and declared just before going off to bed that he was going to own an aircraft company some day. When he left the room after hugging Mom and Dad goodnight, proud father, an engineer, said they didn’t discourage him because it wasn’t good to give children the message that they couldn’t achieve whatever they set out to do in life. He was the first and only child I’d ever known to tell political jokes in grammar school!
Something that Eudora Welty wrote came to mind as I was journaling about this wholesome family the next morning: “I was well advanced in adolescence before I realized that in plenty of the homes where I played with schoolmates and went to their parties, children lied to their parents and parents lied to their children and to each other.” I marveled that this family seemed the antithesis of those I’d known, which resembled the lying variety that Welty had so cunningly identified. I wondered if the innocence would hold or whether the fact that the children, 11 and 13 years old, were still young enough to be unspoiled created the feeling of innocence. Would they change when the world had had its way with them? I wondered.
The night after we’d been shunted into Americana’s nostalgic version of family, we had dinner with a friend, a single man, who’d decided he wanted to go into the priesthood in his 40’s. I had to admit he was well suited for it. I already thought of him as priestly, as he was a chalice bearer in church on Sundays and I was accustomed to seeing him in vestments, his white cassock tied around his ample belly with the tasseled rope that was part of the “uniform.” He was worried about being accepted because of his age and the fact that there were seven candidates vying for only two positions. I’d never known much about him and when we talked that night he revealed that he loved to spend time in cemeteries. I thought it odd until he explained that it was a great way to study history.
His favorite was the Forrest Park Cemetery in St. Elmo because it held one of the most fascinating stories he’d ever come across. He said it contained a large section of children’s graves from the late 1800s. He’d been curious as to why and his research found that a bubonic plague had swept through Chattanooga during that time. He had spent hours in the library trying to learn more about the outbreak that had killed so many babies and I respected him greatly for the depth of his curiosity. I’d always liked to tease him because he had a tendency to embarrass easily. Every time I said anything to amuse him, his fair skin would instantly flush bright pink.
He blamed his Scottish ancestry, which had also given him his red hair and mustache. He had a self-conscious habit of constantly pushing his round tortoiseshell-rimmed glasses to the bridge of his nose because they would slide down whenever he bashfully looked at his lap during conversations, which he did frequently. After a meal with him, I always felt a little jumpy because he used his hands so emphatically to make particular points that I found myself reflexively thinking I should reach out to keep him from knocking his drink over. I had kept my body in check as not to embarrass him that night, so my keyed-up muscles were still twitching as we drove home that evening, Jim quiet as he guided us through the inky air.
The next morning, my inane muscle-crimping exercises continued when a man working on our condominium pranced up and down a ladder at such a madcap clip I was sure he was going to land in the middle of the burled wood coffee table, flattening it and himself as he blathered on about an ex-girlfriend, whom he said was “Brenda Somebody.” What, I thought, she’s now Brenda Nobody? I had been trying unsuccessfully to read, finally giving up to turn my full attention toward the gabby guy. He was a walking cliché with his tee shirt that sported the phrase “No pain, no gain” and his automobile tag proclaiming he was “Mr. Pump!”
I quickly realized there wasn’t a chance in hell that he was going to let me have any quiet to finish the chapter, the first paragraph of which I’d started four times already, so I decided to get an early start on driving to Atlanta to have my car serviced. I was dreading the two-hour trip south and berated myself for my selfishness as I pulled out of the driveway. How could I be so ungrateful about having so much wealth? I scolded myself. It wasn’t that I didn’t feel thankful for having things; it was just all the dead space in life that maintaining material wealth brought. And it wasn’t as if there weren’t interesting things that could have filled in the void. There was simply no time to engage them.
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